Figuring Out My Place In Time And Space: 3 Strikes & I’m Out

@WRDSMTH

Music. Photography. Writing. All the pieces that make me whole. All things that live deep in my soul. So it is no surprise that three men in these chosen professions are the ones that changed my heart the most these past six months.

I've been on the sending side of break up text messages more times than I can count in the last six months. But for the first time ever today, I was on the receiving end. No matter how short of a time you know a person it is tough, on both sides. 

I have to be honest with you and myself and say that I had an inkling it was coming. So it wasn't a huge of a shock. I didn't even want to cry. I just wanted to sit and not move for a very long time. For one day I'm allowing myself to feel melancholy. I'm going to shove a cookie in my face while I sit in the car and cry my eyes out. I'm going to go home and run my heart out to the saddest song on repeat. I’m going to drink a bottle of wine and use these words that I have in my heart to help heal it.

The Musician: One and a half months of self induced wallowing.

We are about to hit our one year friend-iversary and I am quite proud of this. The old me would have never thought it could happen. The new me is relaxed by his presence. 

The good. He knew what was right for us then even though I couldn't see it. I didn’t want to see it then. I can see it now and I'm thankful for his honesty and strength. He will always be a very special person in my life and I'm glad that I can still call him my friend.

The bad. I was addicted to him.

The ugly.

The Photographer: Four months until I created my own closure. 

He was the one I felt like I was my truest self with. Today of all days, one of his photos pop up on Instagram feed and even in this time where I was deeply hurt, he was able to make me laugh out loud.

The good. We had everything in common. We had all of the chemistry, we had everything I thought I ever wanted, but our priorities didn't sync up. It took me a long time to realize and be OK with that, even though he was upfront with me from the very beginning. Now I can see that he came into my life for a reason. Just not the reason I had grown to want. It was to give me the confidence to become the woman I knew I always wanted to be. I now have the confidence to create closure on the relationship that just drifted away.

The bad. I was addicted to him. 

The ugly. I still think about him twice each day, as I drive to and from work past his exit. More if he pops up on my socials. Because I had to make my own closure with him, it's hard to not think about what might have been, what could have been.

The Writer. Three weeks and one massive cry.

I had to force myself to start crying when his text message came through this afternoon. I was ready to begin to work towards something more with him. A thought I didn’t think wouldn’t come around so quickly for me. Instead in an instant I was shaken out of my romantic stupor. 

The good. I found the way I want to be cared for exists. 

The bad. I was addicted to the way he made me feel and I didn’t care that we lived on two different planes of existence.

The ugly. I’ve never wanted to be that crazy girl who made needless drama in these early relationships. I hate that stereotype. I hate the ease of a text message. Every time I find it difficult to hit send on these types of things, it is easier. I get it. But how much time is enough to pass that a person deserves more than a text message. How much intimacy is forged before a text becomes callous?  

Each man showed me that the feelings I want to feel exist in this universe and are waiting for me somewhere.

@WRDSMTH

I ate that cookie and cried in my car. I drove home composed and in complete silence. I ran my heart out to a sad song on repeat. I arrived home refreshed, so much so I didn’t even want the wine, though I did sip it a bit because, wine! I didn’t even need the rest of the evening to feel sad. 

Tonight I let myself go to sleep pensive. Tomorrow I will wake up joyful. I'm going to have musical healing from my two favorite bands {in the same night!} surrounded by my favorite people. Tinder a distant memory, forever banished to the cloud. The rest of the year is all for me, and only me.

{I am forever Figuring Out My Place In Time And Space. Learn and grow with me by reading my other heart felt and often over sharing articles!}

Two songs I left on repeat while writing this. 

Sad. Inspiring.

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