100 Cups Of Coffee: #3

100 Cups Of Coffee is my journey through divorce, dating and self discovery. 

A little background reading and information for you all. My single life journey began a year ago, when I decided to leave my husband. I cannot believe that. It feels like yesterday and forever ago. It feels like I've been alone forever and that I've not had enough time alone.

Adult dating is hard. I hadn't ever done it before. Ever. By this time, months had gone by since I left my husband and so had the number of dates I'd been on. I was finally finding my footing and confidence. I was ready to chase after what I'd always wanted. I wasn't afraid anymore. And taking chances began to pay off.

3.  Donut Touch. Scripps Ranch, CA. Just a dash of cream coffee.

I don’t want to move to Los Angeles, but I have no choice. My husband makes all the choices. I just follow.

I sit on one of my San Diego condo’s three balconies watching my favorite city’s sunrise for the very last time. My coffee steam curls up around me just as the marine layer curls up around the San Diego skyline. An early morning trip to my favorite donut shop was in order on this the last morning my my house. The boxes are packed up in the moving van, all that’s left is to say my goodbyes. My husband and I have been happy living in San Diego for the last six years, married for seven, together for fourteen. When my husband unexpectedly lost his job, a few months ago we had to go where the job was, and that was Marina Del Rey. Los Angeles, California.

Why don’t I want to move to LA? San Diego is safe. San Diego is relaxing. LA is the big city. Everyone is so cool there. I’m not cool. I am The Nerdy Girlie. Plus, moving is always a pain in the ass. I have an amazing home, job, family, and San Diego Comic Con all right here in my backyard. In LA I will have to start from scratch, again. As a military brat, I know I can do that, I just really don’t want to.

The traffic.

UGH!

The unfriendly people.

UGH!

But I go. I always go because that's what I do. I support my husband. I’ve never known what it’s like to think about what I want out of life. I’m a housewife pure and simple. That was what my mom was, so that is what I am. But I’m not leaving San Diego without this last little treat. All I need is coffee for this move.

It took a lot of hunting, but the moment my husband and I walk into this LA apartment, I know it is the one. I almost drop what is left of my coffee right onto the brand new tile floor. I forgot about how the light shines in through the large window and fills the entire space with warmth. I forgot about how cozy it was. Completely different from our condo back in San Diego, but I could like it. The balcony captures my heart. I imagine sitting out there with the ocean breeze flowing through my hair. If you squint hard enough you can almost see the ocean. I imagine watching sunsets over the marina. It could become my little slice of paradise. As long as I have my coffee. I might be able to like LA after all.

This is a start.

As the weeks go by my husband becomes wrapped up and focused on his new job.

Everyday he comes home to a dinner that I cooked, waiting along with hugs and kisses from me. Both go unappreciated. Or just expected.

He’s tired. It’s been a long day.

This meal is alright.

As soon as dinner is over, it is time for video games with his family. This is more important than any attention I long for.

I retire to my our bedroom.

Every once in awhile I’ll sneak out of the room, with only a tiny tank top on and try to snuggle into his lap and persuade him to join me in bed. He can’t pause the game on the computer, so he shoos me away. This is how it has been ever since we moved in with each other. And finally I’ve had enough. One can take only take so much rejection.

All of this alone time and rejection leaves me with a lot of time time to think--and I come to the realization that I finally want to be busy with my own career. I am ready to put all my energy towards my photography, my blog, and finally finding myself. All I know myself as, is a caregiver. Giving and never receiving the words of affirmation I need to feel like I’m appreciated in this marriage I’ve put my all into. I crave positivity and encouragement from my husband as I begin to make this self change. I need it from him most, I’ve done it for him all this time and would love the same in return, but I slowly begin to realize that he doesn’t see me anymore--truly see me. Maybe he never has. But I finally do. And LA is becoming the place to find myself.

The city I was afraid of slowly begins to pull me in. I force myself to get out of the house. I start making friends and I begin to push myself, for myself. This new city has flipped a switch in me with its music and its energy. This place I never wanted to live in has done something my husband could never do--inspire me.

Days and weeks continue pass, and I find I can sit out on our small beach balcony for hours, drinking coffee, listening to music, and writing. Always searching for my passion. I bring friends new and old there and we chat away the afternoons. But never with my husband. He doesn’t like coffee, or music, or just being. I never get my fill of this spot. I soon add wine to the drink rotation. Lots of wine.

A lot of thoughts and feelings begin to run through my heart, mind, and soul. What feels like a few minutes to one person could be hours for me. My heart slowly begins to evolve with each passing day in LA and on that balcony, sipping my coffee, I begin dreaming of my future. One that was finally about me. Successful and loved, the way I need to be. I just wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone yet, even myself.

Drink in more cups HERE!